it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
