I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
