Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
