I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
