2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
