My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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