I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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