sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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