Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
