I have demons in me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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