i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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