She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
