The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
