I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
