I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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