The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
