I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i dont even know how to be here
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
