so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
