Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
it's like iHOP with fire
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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