if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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