dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
