I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
