mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
