I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
