either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
