I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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