no, he came in my armpit
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
