If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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