I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
