She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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