Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
