Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I love you.
Bad choice
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