if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
