plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
