piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
