Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
