FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize