Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
