Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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