Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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