I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
