I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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