bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
