I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
