There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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