I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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