Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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