The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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