I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
