I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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