Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
