I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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