dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
