I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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