DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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